2013/08/10

there's a bunch of stuff that scares me.

Even now, when being in love feels great no matter how unrequited it is (apparently not too much), it terrifies me.

Wasting my only chance to make you love me terrifies me,
Letting you fade away from my life terrifies me,
Screwing our friendship up terrifies me,
Taking steps towards you without your previous consent terrrifies me,
Using pressure until you can not scape terrifies me,
Making you run away terrifies me,
Letting go of you terrifies me,
Repenting terrifies me,
Being so afraid terrifies me,
Not being able to tell what I feel and how I feel it terrifies me,
Feeling this much terrifies me,
The way my friends talk about my terror terrifies me,
Crying about it terrifies me,
The closeness of the day when you'll leave terrifies me,
Not being here when you go terrifies me,
Never getting to kiss you terrifies me,
Not being the one for you if you are the one for me terrifies me,
The estructural deepness of the difference between liking you and liking all the other people I've liked terrifies me,
The cozyness of your gaze terrifies me,
Letting go of your hugs terrifies me,
Dissaponting you terrifies me,
It all terrifies me...

... so much that my body just stop working.

And that terrifies me, too.


2013/05/14

What now?

Exactly why has all my reading list disappeared into thin air?

Building it again from scratch is just... tiresome. Ah, and annoying.

2013/03/07

Slightly...

...depressed.

But mostly anxious.

Because whem M. and I started planning our future here everything was going to be awesome and great and I even knew who the father of my children was going to be*, and I still believe it's going to be all of that, but making it is not easy at all.

Which kind of felt great at the begining because it was almost like a dare and I'm basque so I love dares, or something, but lately, it's been wasting me just too much.

And I need to keep going. Shit. I need to go even faster and further.
But it's been ages since I run out of spoons for this.

And the good tiny little detais don't feel that good anymore because I'm grown used to them, and the shitty tiny little details make me opressively depressed.

Because.
We've made lots of decissions, and have taken one heavy step forward after the other, and right now, I've only got one thing left to do (and yes it's the biggest thing off them all but it is still only one) and after this weekend everything on our part will be done, but we will still be, physically, at the starting point.
And what do you do then? Well, you gather the reamins of your strength and start over again.
And if you've got no remaining stregth left? Well, you either let yourself die in a ditch, or you pretend you do have some left and start over again.

Even if you are too tired to do anything but curling up in a corner and rocking and crying tiny tears.


That big massive only thing I've got left to do happens to be as big and massive as handing my CV in every... everywhere. I was suposed to do it today, but when I looked myself in the mirror I saw a terrible ghost that nobody would ever want to hire. And that's my mian problem right now: I'm so wasted that the fact that I can't do it doesn't matter anymore because even if I did it it'd be useless, given my state.


I might just want a hug and a shoulder to cry on, but I really feel so down I've actually been thinking of letting anxiety get over me and going back home and coming back after summer. Or for summer. Or whatever. And not letting myself do that  is devouring my own stomach and....

Whatever.
I'm going to stop this meaningless whining. (You know what's the worst of all? That I'm still going to publish this because... because...)



*Imagine having an answer for this even without the slightest intention of actually having any children...

2013/01/27

Privacy

What do you do when you can not blurt stuff out in either of your blogs anymore because some of your readers actually have an active rol in your life?

Do you get a new mail accout and start another brand new blog?

Do you just write it on post-its and stick it on your bedroom wall?

Do you click "publish" anyway because you don't give a fuck?

Do you let anxiety get over yourself and buble whatever thing is bothering you while rocking in your corner?

Do you let it unsaid, as you had done all your life before you started blogging? Do you let your annoyance, fear, anxiety and worries control your decission? Do you repent for having ever typed a single word?

2013/01/03

I know it's a little late for this, but: New Year's Meme

I got the meme from Voxcorvegis.
Here I come:


1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

I came au-pairing. I stimmed in public being concious of what I was doing. I met M. in person. I let R. kiss me and I cried for him. A. went all the way from Sevilla to my house to visit me.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't normally do proper new years resolutions. The olny resolution I remember taking last year (as always) is "OK, I'm gonna start seriously studying" and it wasn't realted to the new year, just to the exams the last week of January. I didn't keep it (but I passed everything).

3. How (will you be spending) /did you spend New Year’s Eve?

I had a lovely Spanish dinner with M., J., and L. at L.'s house, we sort of went out and then we all slept together. It was bizarre and nice.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Maki, my dog, died last winter. R.'s dad died too, and F. too. Lot's of deaths, actually...

5. What countries did you visit?

Ireland.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Sanity. And spoons enough to want to have a couple.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August 25, because I felt bad, stupid and ridiculous. September 28 because it's the day I got to Cork and December 23, because there's something it hurts about small coincidences.

8. What was your biggest achievement(s) of the year?

Mhhh... I'm mastering my spoons pretty well... and I passed a subject having opened it's books only the day of the exam.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don't have spoons enough to want to have a relationship with someone, no matter how much I like them.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Throat infection, as always, a fair share of anxiety, and that's it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Mh... can't think of anything remarcable. 
12. Where did most of your money go?
University.
13. What song will always remind you of 2012?
Paradise by Coldplay, probably. And Ken Zazpi's Zapalduen Olerkia.
14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Studying, specially German.
15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Nothing? Now, literally, nothing, like, spacing out.
16. What was your favorite TV program?
Big Bang Theory, for a change. And, like, from October on, my favorite show from the ones I actually get to see would be... hold on tight... Austin and Ally. 
17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I can't remember hating anyone. Actively, I mean. 
18. What was the best book you read?
I didn't read that much this year. I liked The Woman who Walked into Doors a lot.
19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Brook Davis :)
20. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Hobbit: an Unexpected Journey. What else.
21. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I got to be 22. I didn't do anything special, holding to the lame excuse that my birthday is during exams season.
22. What kept you sane?
Knowing and being conscious of my insanity, and some people who's willing to help.
23. Who did you miss?
I miss R. and E. and M1. I don't really miss my parents.
24. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned.
Oh I learnt and practised a lot thinking/saying "Whatever" and walking away when I didn't like someone or what someone was saying.
25. What does 2013 hold for me?
It hold for precious months here and it holds going back home. It holds post exams holiday in London. It holds starting my last year to get my degree. It holds facing and doing soething about my father's disease. It probably holds a huge lot of frustration, stress and anxiety.
It looks 2012 was a pretty plain year up to October xD thanks Cork and everyone there :)

2012/12/03

[Y de repente te das cuenta de que estás dando pasos de gigante hacia un futuro que te aterra, pero que tú has elegido. Y sientes miedo y orgullo, y mariposas en el estómago...]



So... It seems I’m... getting out of the closet. About my autism, that is.

One of the reasons why I finally thought “So what the fuck?” and went aupairing was that my friend M. was doing it, and reading about it in her blog, it looked amazing.

My relationship with M. begun around 2006 in a certain foto-blog plataform and we’ve been in touch via different social networks, and we follow each other blogs. So, she knows about my aspergers. I think she is actually the only person I knew before I found out that knows.

And I decided to come aupairing to Irealnd and I ended up in Co. Cork, were she is. And we met up (for the first time and it was weird and great and whatever).

But the thing is she knows.

And then one saturday night I told F., because I... felt like it.

So she knows too.

And we were chatting the other day and... well, if G. didn’t properly realize what’s going on, then he just sort of did, but it was stated clear that my mind works in a different way at least.

And I’m getting out of the closet and it feels... a lot of different things.

Of course it feels great. I had actually thought of this experience as a way of starting a life that makes me feel better, with less passing and more freedom, right from the instant “So what the fuck?” came into my mind. And being free to be yourself feels fucking great.

And of course it’s hella scary too, I mean, now I suddenly am openly* autistic, and I don’t really know what’s expected from me or to what point I can act like myself and not my passing self, and what aspects of my autistic mind are OK and not creepy to reveal to the people that I want to keep as friends, and how is people going to respond to it? Are they all going to start acting weird and ruin it all? And is it safe? or does it make me just even more vulnerable?

And them I’m proud, because I’m actively taking my own steps towards what I think it should be. Because, come on, asking for the right to be something you’re actually hiding you are is not exactly cool, right? And asking for better conditions and understanding for and about you while you’re not ready to show it is about you is both mean and... mean, right? And when you’re changing that hypocrite part of you (even if it’s only a small part of it, not the whole, not all at once, it feels good, and your self steem suddenly grows, because you don’t really accept yourself until you publicly accept yourself, right?


*Openly with my friends, even just with some of them (the friend-est ones anyway), that is, with the peope I freely relate with,  not with my hostfamily or the people we just hang out with.

2012/12/01

I found my spot

It's been two months since I came here aupairing, and they0ve been great, but.
As my bedroom is not my bedroom because my house is not my house and my family are not my family, I was missing having a safe spot.
Having a gorgeous rocking chair in a corner in my bedroom made that absence easier to deal with, but still.

And the other day I found something brilliant in my mail: "Loud Hands". And I started reading it right away, but I felt I needed a safe spot to read it as it deserves to be read.

And I've got to babysit tonight so going all the way to cork to be back early, having into account that there's no bus to come back early, didn't seem a good idea.

So this morning, after all the cries have ceased (it's amazing how much the kids cry when I'm not around) I've got out of bed, had some breakfast, paced some lunch, put "Loud Hands" in my Kindle, and walked away, looking for a nice spot to make mine.

I've walked quite a bit but then: there was a meadow, loud enough to be a nice meadow but not too lopud to make an annoying unpleasant sound; there was trees, and rocks, and this magic green climbing up the trees and covering up the rocks. And there was a nice flat rock with no moss on it and it all was by the tiniest road ever, and there was no houses around and it was perfect.
So I sat there and drank my tea and smoked half a pack of cigarrettes and read and it was perfect.

And when I was coming back I thought of what I need to make it be always perfect and.

I'm very happy right now.


About how it is to be an Aspie-Aupair: well, I'm managing it the same nasty way I manage my whole life-passing, but it's somehow not that hard, or harsh, or whatever. I guess every aupair needs to pass, too.
And I just can't believe how lucky I've been because my kids are amazing and very easy to handle.

There is something, now.

I'm being exploited when it comes to housework.
Somehow or other, I knew it was going to happen from the very begining, and I just chose to accept it.
Because the last (and first) time I tried to live on my own... well... that experience made it clear I couldn't.
But because I've got an enormous sense of obligation, I'm actually able to do everything the house needs to get done here, and you know, maybe I can get used to it, or at least, become permanently aware of what needs to be done, and whatever.

The stuff I'm not managing well are, my showers (sorry for that to everyone around me) and socialising with my host parents (butnow, I didn't really talk to my parents at home, either...).

2012/09/24

#CorkAdventure in a new blog

Thank's to Ana's amazing idea of keeping her informed of her boots' whereabouts, I've found a brilliant way of relating my new life as an aupair in Cork.
And I'll do it in a new blog, DYKE BOOTS

I'm not 100% sure yet but I'll probably do it in Spanish, as the rest of my life's gonna be in English, but who knows anyway.

I will repost here anything I think is related to autism or important in some way not related to my auapir experience, and I promise I'll do an effort not to completely abandon this blog.

Anyway,
Don't forget to check it and you know :)

2012/09/08

I hate it when people does things for me without me asking and they do them in the wrong way.

Like, you know, there's this guy who apparently likes me a lot, and yeah I also kind of like him, and he asked me to be his girlfriend but I said "no" because I was leaving, and the moment was not the best to explain things so I just said no.
And this morning he went to the restaurant before I was there and my mom told him I'm leaving.

So when I arrived he's looked at me with a sad look and he's said "So your leaving" and I said "Yes" and he asked "for how long" and I said "minimum 7 months" and his look's turned even sadder.

And shit.

(And yeah, this is me whining and I'm sorry about that but I needed to split it out)

2012/09/06

Even if I shouldn't...

So, you know, me and blogging.
And still, I'm planning to star a brand new blog.
Because I'll be an au-pair as soon as October starts, and everyone else is too and I thought of a separate blog for au-pair matters and stories.

Even if I don't manage to have an only decent blog.
Even if I might not be the best au-pair in the world.